For a few months now I have been working with a coach to help me overcome my hang ups in life. To get “Unstuck” from the mediocrity of the life I was living. To say it has been an eye opening experience would barely scratch the surface.
I entered into this program with the intentions of finding the courage to quit my job and be able to launch my own business. I wanted to get out of my own way and take the steps needed to finally be my own boss and stop this crazy rat race. I didn’t expect to discover I was denying so many truths about myself.
I discovered, to my surprise, that I was incredibly angry. Yes, some of this anger was a directed towards others as a result of experiences and hurtful acts brought about by external sources. But what was most surprising was that a lot of this anger was directed at myself. Through this unacknowledged anger I developed self loathing and created self destructive habits that subsequently kept me on a course of self sabotage and created a merry-go-round of my life; Get on the ride, take a trip around a bad experience and get off with a – “nope, not for me”, only to get back on and re-live the same lesson with another person, another experience, another man, another job I hated.
Round and round I’d go.
For years I have been punishing myself, destroying potentially great relationships because I felt I was undeserving. I would walk away from romances, friendships and job opportunities believing I wasn’t good enough. Who was I to think I could have that position? That partnership? That happiness and peace.
Not too long ago something happened between a previous lover and I that made me realize I have allowed a lot of the things to happen in my life because I wasn’t acknowledging my past experiences, accepting my worth, facing the truth about myself and allowing myself the space to feel and heal from old wounds.
After the incident happened, I was having a conversation with my coach about the situation and she asked me, “What would you say to the woman who still to this day, against her own intuition, cheats on her own soul by inviting a shithead into her house, succumbs to his demands and pressures because she doesn’t know how to turn down the feeling of being desired, even if it is coming from a place of evil?”.
It sounds like a harsh thing to say to someone, especially if you don’t know how to take bullshit free advice, but, it was exactly what I needed to hear. She was so incredibly right and I am so grateful to have met this woman and to have taken the chance on investing in her programs. You can not place a dollar sign on that kind of love-based truth.
The reality is, I was in agony from the loathing I felt towards myself. I was dying, slowly and painfully of starvation from a lack of self love. I was lost, afraid and full of doubt about who I was and what I could be. I allowed shitty people and experiences into my life just to feel something different. Even if it left me feeling disgusted with myself and ultimately continued to add to the heaps of hatred I felt towards who I was.
Her words that afternoon pushed me off the precipice and forced me to face everything I was resisting and avoiding. I screamed like a horror movie starlet, all my pain leaving through the wailing and tears that flowed into my pillow. Releasing all of these realizations hurt just as deeply as holding on to the denial did. But releasing it meant the pain would be temporary instead of a life sentence.
What came afterwards was something else entirely, and wholly unexpected. After screaming out the wounded, tortured parts of me, I found the warrior in me. The warrior who gave me just enough strength to keep going through life, even though I ruthlessly suffocated her in the darkness of my self loathing. This warrior had been sitting inside all along, waiting for her chance to stand up and fight. To fight for the woman I could be. The woman I was meant to be. To allow her and I to become one.
Through this entire experience I realized I was angry because I wasn’t really living life. I wasn’t allowing myself the space to grow and become the person I wanted to be. I put myself in this silly little box with rules and restrictions and my soul was much to big for those tiny dimensions. I wasn’t giving myself the opportunity to experience the world and people around me and the walls I surrounded myself and subsequently locked out everyone else, allowing only for superficial relationships to enter my existence. I was literally inside a prison of my own making, punishing myself with poor life choices to inflict more pain and suffering.
I had accepted a half life. A grey and mundane life. I was simply existing and torturing myself.
Would I say I am fully healed and whole now? No. Not yet.
It will take more than screaming into a pillow at the order of my coach to move through all the damage and scars I have inflicted on myself and on my soul.
But, I can tell you I refuse to accept that same kind of bullshit from anyone anymore, and as a result have started to attracted the kind of people I deserve while the undeserving are beginning to leave as I transform into someone they know they can’t control any further.
Learning to stand up for yourself isn’t exactly easy. But, in the grand scheme of things, it is a lot easier than living a half life filled with self inflicted wounds of self sabotage.
And, whether you realize it yet or not, you are worth the greatest risks and the deepest, most delicious experiences life has to offer.
So, isn’t it time you forgive yourself? Isn’t it time to let go of the pain and allow yourself to heal? Isn’t it time to open that prison door and step out into the life you were born to live?
Know your worth and accept nothing less.