"Aside from a long list of answers that weren’t actually my own, there was one I avoided hearing and accepting."
Everything stacks up and feels too hard to accomplish. Too difficult a task to tackle. You feel like you are trying to climb a mountain and every step you take causes you to slide down farther and farther away from the top. If only you could just get a grip.
If you can't, don't, or won't stick to your goals, plans and visions, you won't succeed and you can't expect anyone else to commit to your ideas either.
His death sent me into a wicked spiral of guilt and self-loathing. Resentment for my career grew as my heart ached over missed opportunities. Never in my life have I wanted to turn back the clock so badly.